But Wait! There is a cancellation policy…..

I couldn’t believe I spent $2500.00 on a trip to somewhere I had never even dreamed of going.  And to hunt? I’m no hunter.  I never understood why my son always wanted to go hunting, especially when he had to get up at 4am, came home empty handed, cold, and tired. Thank goodness for $150.00 cancellation policies, I still had a month.

As exciting as it sounded to go to South Africa and say, “Ya, I’ve been there,” it was an anxious time for me.  I don’t know if other bereaved parents experienced anxiousness like me, but I really struggled with it!  I had also never spent that much money on a trip before, after all I am a teacher.  What was I thinking? I really didn’t have the money.  With a kid in college and being a single parent, it was a little tight at times.  Ok, all the time!

It was the day before my flight and my daughter called to ask what time she needed to pick me up to take me to the airport.  Oh no!  I hadn’t packed yet.  I didn’t really think I was going and now she was going to pick me up?  GEEZ!  What do you take on a hunting trip?

Camouflage? Boots? Scent away?  Of course these were all things I saw my son pack when he went hunting.  What have I done? Oh life sucks!

I found a suitcase big enough to hold enough clothes, and camo for 10 days, some hunting boots, which I borrowed from my son’s hunting box.  I might add they were a couple sizes too big! I started throwing things in the bag, passport included.  I printed my tickets.  I wandered around thinking I was wasting my time packing for a trip on which I still wasn’t sure I was going.  I still had ‘til morning.

Oh crud, she’s here.  I guess I’m going to the airport.  I hauled my suitcase down the stairs.  I had my cancellation policy in hand, I knew i wouldn’t make it far.

Arriving at the airport, guaranteed butterflies in the stomach and sweaty palms.  Not only was I going somewhere in Africa, but I had to figure out how to scan my tickets and passport.  I just wanted to talk to a human.  Amy helped me get everything scanned, darn her. Didn’t she know I wanted to go home?

The line was just getting longer and longer at the security checkpoint, so I decided I better get in line, actually I think Amy decided I better get in line.  I think she was tired of sitting there with me.  Oh gosh, I was shaking inside. I thought I was going to be sick.  Amy stayed with me until I had to take my shoes off and go through the big bubble.  I kept looking over to make sure she was still there.  When I bent down to put my shoes back on, I looked up and she was gone.  Panic set in.  NOW WHAT?

I can’t do this.  I CAN NOT get on a plane not really knowing where I am going, all by myself, alone, sick to my stomach, and anxious as all get out.  I caught myself saying, “Breathe or you are going to pass out” and  “Walk.”

I turned down one very long hallway, dragging my bag behind me, tears rolling down my cheeks, boarding pass now in hand wondering, “What have I done?”  Life sucks….if you let it.

About cessley

I am a bereaved parent. I write to give hope to other bereaved parents who are fresh in their grief. I want them to know life begins again. It (life) is forever changed, as are you, but one day, you will smile again. You may travel, you will make new friends, your heart will mend, though never heal and it will be a painful ride. It is one step at a time....sometimes, even one breath to the next is all we can seem to live through each day. But each day will be a new beginning, a different beginning, a different you. I have two surviving children: Amy, who is married to Brandon, and they have one daughter, Avery, and one son, Dylan. and Eric who is a doctor and is Clifton's twin brother. Clifton passed away when he was nearly two years old. As any bereaved parent knows, it is tough, REALLY tough trying to live after the death of a child. I lived in Shanghai, China for three years after the death of my son, and then lived in Beijing for two years. I am discovering life again, one step at a time. I returned to Oklahoma in February , 2020 due to the uncertainty of the virus. Little did I know the uncertainty would follow me across the ocean. This is nothing compared to the death of a child. I will survive! View all posts by cessley

11 responses to “But Wait! There is a cancellation policy…..

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