It’s not that I haven’t had anything to write about, I have!


I have not written or posted anything in my blog since I left China. I think about it, but things just seem to get in the way, I guess. Honestly, I haven’t been too motivated, anyway.  I have been quite busy since I returned “home.” (Home is where the heart is)

I went back to work for Tulsa Public Schools after a leave of absence. I bought a house, and it seems to keep me busier than I had wanted. I bought this house as it seemed like it didn’t need any work. But, I was wrong.

I am fortunate enough to be able to watch my daughter’s daughter every so often. Yes, I said my daughter’s daughter. I can’t quite use and come to grips with the word, “GRAND daughter,” or even older sounding, “Granny, Grandma, Nana, etc.” So she calls me KAK, and I call her DD, short for Daughter’s daughter, though her name is Avery. She is quite a smart little girl and already two years old. My daughter is a much better mom than I ever thought about being, so with that said, I feel quite successful. It is so great to see that she and her husband are raising a little girl to be responsible, loving and is corrected for her behavior when she throws some of those little tantrums that two years olds throw at times.

Now, I would like to write about my other two children. Many of you never met my son, Clifton, as he died when he was just a little guy, just under the age that DD is now. He still holds such a big place in my broken heart. Eric,who is Clifton’s twin brother was just matched into a residency in emergency medicine at a hospital in Lawton, Oklahoma. Wow, my son the doctor. Another success. When your kids achieve so much more than you ever dreamed possible, as a parent, it is an amazing accomplishment and I couldn’t be any more proud of both of my surviving kids.

We just found out yesterday that Eric was accepted into the ER program. Stick with me here because this is my motivation for writing this evening, when all I really wanted to do was come home and go to bed. It has been an exhausting day, especially considering I have been awake since 1:27 a.m. Last night I was invited to a Chinese New Year celebration, Lion Dance and dinner. We were seated in a reserved area for the Tulsa Global Alliance. There was an additional reserved table for another group. As I was watching the Lion Dance, I noticed the other table of people arrived. I took a second glance and walked back immediately to speak to the man who would be sitting behind me for dinner. It was Dr. Ranne, Clifton’s surgeon from so many years ago. I had not seen him since Clifton died. We visited for a while and I told him about Eric. He was excited to hear the news about my son, the doctor. Dr. Ranne had his granddaughter with him, and I mentioned that I too, had a daughter’s daughter. It was a great little visit.

After dinner I came home and needed to make sure the attic vent doors were secure, as I had noticed earlier that they were blowing back and forth in the high winds we had been experiencing. I didn’t want to hear the banging and slamming of those doors all night, so I climbed up in the attic and secured them with wire. It didn’t seem like they were going to move with the wind blowing. I went to bed.

Awakened at 1:27am by a banging on the wall, or door, I listened, groaned, rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. It was impossible. I couldn’t figure out what it was, but I didn’t want to climb back up in the cold attic at 1:27 in the morning.  I moved to the couch.

When the alarm went off at 4:30am, I got up but really wanted to just stay in bed, (or the couch). As I was getting ready, I heard the banging sound again. I listened to see if it was coming from the attic. It didn’t seem to be. I walked over to the window in my bedroom and it was louder. I just kept following the sound, even putting my ear to the wall to see if I could figure it out. I listened for a bit. Then I discovered what was causing the sound. I couldn’t believe it.

I had spend most of the previous evening thinking about Clifton and wondering if he might have been a doctor, too. I was even back in the hospital listening to the flat line sound of his life support machine as he passed away that morning. So many memories in just a few hours, and now that sound? It was coming from a 11×17 framed picture of Clifton that is near my bed.

Each time the heat would kick on, the air blew from the floor vent and hit the picture causing it to bang against the wall. This picture has been there for months, and I have certainly had the heat on. It has never made this noise before. As I stood there leaning with my ear against the wall, I thought sure enough, Clifton is still around. I didn’t know whether to smile or cry. So I did a little of both. I found it a miracle, or a message from above that caused all of these events to happen in the same 24 hour period. I thought back to the time I woke up that morning. It was 1:27 am, the time of Clifton’s death so many years ago.

Congrats my children and thank you for being better than I ever could dream of being. Thank you Clifton for renewing my faith. Another success.

My son, Clifton

 

 

About cessley

I am a bereaved parent. I write to give hope to other bereaved parents who are fresh in their grief. I want them to know life begins again. It (life) is forever changed, as are you, but one day, you will smile again. You may travel, you will make new friends, your heart will mend, though never heal and it will be a painful ride. It is one step at a time....sometimes, even one breath to the next is all we can seem to live through each day. But each day will be a new beginning, a different beginning, a different you. I have two surviving children: Amy, who is married to Brandon, and they have one daughter, Avery, and one son, Dylan. and Eric who is a doctor and is Clifton's twin brother. Clifton passed away when he was nearly two years old. As any bereaved parent knows, it is tough, REALLY tough trying to live after the death of a child. I lived in Shanghai, China for three years after the death of my son, and then lived in Beijing for two years. I am discovering life again, one step at a time. I returned to Oklahoma in February , 2020 due to the uncertainty of the virus. Little did I know the uncertainty would follow me across the ocean. This is nothing compared to the death of a child. I will survive! View all posts by cessley

9 responses to “It’s not that I haven’t had anything to write about, I have!

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