It’s August.


Who could have imagined my son and I would be the only ones in our immediate family with jobs and an income? A teacher and a doctor (though his hours as an ER doctor have been cut).   I’ve only been with out a paycheck for August, so I can’t complain. I have had some financial setbacks, minor in comparison to others, but enough for a teacher to at least notice. 

I tried to withdraw $500 from my account in China.  The ATM did not disperse the money though the bank in China charged my account as if I had received the cash. What a nightmare trying to sort this.  But I am thankful for my friend, Melissa who has an international phone plan and lets me use her phone to call China.  It’s not looking good for the recovery of the money. It’s hard to solve these problems being 7000 miles away from the bank and the lack of my Chinese speaking skills, of course complicates things.  There were other China expenses that weren’t anticipated at the end of the contract but I will survive the loss.  Mine are not nearly as bad as so many millions of other people. 

The $500 ATM withdrawal attempt hurt a bit but a bigger sting came when someone thought they needed the kid’s swings in my front yard more than I did. They cut them down and took them last week in the middle of the night.  So strange, as there are many of these swings in the neighborhood and only mine were taken.  The kids were so disappointed not to have their swings when they came over.  I hope somebody’s kids are enjoying them. Though, I would have loaned the swings to them if they would have just asked, probably would have even thrown a couple of masks. 

Strangely enough, I go for a few days each year in August wondering what is wrong with me as I experience an overwhelming feeling of sadness, sometimes even feeling like I’m sinking into a bottomless pit. 

Then it’s like….”Oh, I know, August 19 is well on it’s way.”  This is the day my son died.  I never forget that my son died, never.  But I don’t really keep track of days in August. They are pretty much all the same, except for the couple of days before August 19, August 19 itself and the first day of school.  Other than that, I never know what day it is. I used to know when Sunday rolled around but that’s even hit and miss these days.

To me, it is the worst time of the year, August. Emotions are all over the place.  The last couple of days have been really difficult.  I don’t know why the whole week before my son’s  death is so hard but it always has been. I guess maybe I think “Could a’ Would a’ Should a.”  I re-live everything up to the point of his death. 

The struggle is real and this go round is compounded with the addition of Covid, the violence, hatred and uncertainty in our country, the theft of the swings, loss of money in the ATM and family members losing their jobs. It seems like a lot to process. These kinds of things can take a person down a deep dark tunnel if you allow it.  Life Sucks if you let it!

 I certainly see how people can be depressed during this unprecedented time in our lives.  It is hard sitting alone day after day all by yourself in a normal situation but now, my goodness.  Give someone a call who you haven’t spoken to in a while.  Check in.  You never know how happy you might make someone.  It’s worth it!

Today however, has been just an amazing day.  It brought happiness and heart felt joy for a moment in time that was much needed.

The DK’S (daughter’s kids) spent the night last night so they kept me busy or maybe I kept them busy, who knows. This morning at 5:42 am, my phone rang.  I’m so glad I heard it! My sweet neighbor across the street had gone into labor. She and her husband, (the doctor who was sleeping in his RV during the onset of Covid) needed to go to the hospital and her mom was an hour or so away but headed toward Tulsa as fast as she could travel. In the meantime, though they needed someone to stay with their kids so they could get to the hospital.  I got the DK’S up and we walked across the street to be with their children while waiting for grandma to arrive from Enid.  They will never know the joy it brought to my heart to help in such a small way.  I needed them more than they needed me this morning. 

Later on, my daughter and her husband came over and helped me with some much needed chores.  My friend Barb randomly stopped by and we all had lunch together.  It’s the little things these days that bring so much happiness and sanity.

After the kids left, Barb and I were sitting in the front yard.  My neighbor, (the other doctor on the street) hurriedly came out her front door, throwing on her shoes and was headed to the hospital to deliver a baby.  It just made me smile to see her hurrying around to get to the hospital to help bring new life into the world. 

Mr friend and I decided to go to Sam’s Club. While there, I ran into three more friends, Jason, Lisa and Cheryl. It was so great to see all of them and actually speak to people.  Sorry friends,  but when I see people now, I talk forever!  I heard from my friend Stephanie this evening who I’ve not seen in such a while. It was great to chat with her. It’s the little conversations and the amazing friendships that fill the heart these days. 

At home, I do for the most part remain positive but sometimes I just feel like banging my head against the wall.  I have two friends who constantly amaze me with their positive attitudes in the midst of this Covid-Chaos.  It is always so great to talk with or text them.  Every day without fail, I receive a good morning greeting on facebook from one of my most positive friends.  I’ve come to look for those greetings everyday now as a great start to the day.  It’s always nice to know someone is thinking of you, or me, I guess. 

Thanks everyone for making this such a great day! I wish you all a day filled with positive people in your life, random people stopping by, messages from friends, a happy family, a life free from financial stress and swings in your front yard. 

Send someone a message today.  Let them know you are thinking about them.  You just might make their heart happy. 

 

About cessley

I am a bereaved parent. I write to give hope to other bereaved parents who are fresh in their grief. I want them to know life begins again. It (life) is forever changed, as are you, but one day, you will smile again. You may travel, you will make new friends, your heart will mend, though never heal and it will be a painful ride. It is one step at a time....sometimes, even one breath to the next is all we can seem to live through each day. But each day will be a new beginning, a different beginning, a different you. I have two surviving children: Amy, who is married to Brandon, and they have one daughter, Avery, and one son, Dylan. and Eric who is a doctor and is Clifton's twin brother. Clifton passed away when he was nearly two years old. As any bereaved parent knows, it is tough, REALLY tough trying to live after the death of a child. I lived in Shanghai, China for three years after the death of my son, and then lived in Beijing for two years. I am discovering life again, one step at a time. I returned to Oklahoma in February , 2020 due to the uncertainty of the virus. Little did I know the uncertainty would follow me across the ocean. This is nothing compared to the death of a child. I will survive! View all posts by cessley

4 responses to “It’s August.

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